Don't you send me to vm
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
