I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
