New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
