Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
