You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
