I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
