I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
