apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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