We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
