he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
