I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
