I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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