Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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