Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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