I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
