hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
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