At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
