your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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