sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
