im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
This girl is more easily done than said...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
