You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
