Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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