why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
