My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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