I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
