I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
