Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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