I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
