Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
