my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
