the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
