My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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