Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
