I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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