I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize