i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
