Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
