We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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