I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
