Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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