Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
