walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
