I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
