Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
