I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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