i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize