You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
