i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
