Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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