The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Someone shattered a urinal.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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