thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
