textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
