i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
do herpes really smell.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
