Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
