What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
tell me about the eggs
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
