so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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